So you didn't use me and throw me away. You are just out of town, a whole fucking lot. For days out of the week, working out of town. How'd I find out, I was trying to get you to hang out with me, And you were telling me how you'd hang out when you got back to town next week. Fucking A, I should force people to tell me the truth more often.

I feel so ignored by the people around me. Not in the oh they have so much to do type of ignore, the flat out ignore type.
Why? I have come to realize I am the glue holding my friendships together, as in If i don't call you, text you or find other ways to get at you, than we will not in fact spend time together. Oh maybe i'll get something back everyonce in a while but friends, I fucking need you right now. I'm sorry i'm going through some emotional shit but the one friend that is always there for me, she needs a fucking break once in a while too. I"m there for all your things, even now, so cut me some slack. Get at me. I don't even really want to talk about my problems,that's what the therapy is for. What I want is to not feel ignored, a distraction, or even a call or text back is great.

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I know I use this to bitch and be hopeful when it comes to dating and relationships. Maybe it's because no one I know really has any idea of how insecure I really am so it's easy to do it here.
But I've figured out my problem. I like bad boys. I don't mean boys that are a  little bad. I mean bad ass boys. Boys my age who drink all the time, are jobless, and have spent time in jail. I wish I was kidding, I've met nice guys and wished I was attracted to them as more than a friend.
How did I come to this conclusion? I saw the guy i've been crushing on get into a fist fight tonight. Yes he was provoked, yes he was defending his friend. But all in all he was drunk and in a fist fight.
The last guy I dated was an alcoholic. He had multiple DWI's, he drank every night. And it did not bother me one bit.
I need to find out why I go after these guys, why I throw myself at them.
I know it's nothing anyone else can answer, I know that I deserve better. Is it because I feel like they are the underdogs? they have had bad things in their life and that led to how they are now? In all honesty they are not bad people...they have just made some wrong decisions. But I am so drawn to them. I need to stop it, I need to figure it out before it's too late. I need to do something. I don't want to be involved in their shit anymore because one of these days they are going to bring me down along with them.

I think that you....
are a really great guy
are very attractive
think you hide your insecurities well, but not from me
don't know what you want


I think that I...
Know that I like you
But are not sure how much
need to take a quick break from you to figure things out
Get ahold of you soon


I wish...
People could say what they mean
Things would work out [but i'm not holding my breath]

I always value the time I have with people but  when it comes to some people  I always make sure to value it more , because I am never sure when we will see each other again.

I'm telling you this now, this dude is a mind fuck.
One minute he's accusing me of leading him on, than a few minutes later i'm accusing him of leading me on..so he goes away than immediatly comes back.

I have not had any sort of shot in a while...So the place i'm starting to work with was all like 'we need you to get this shot, we'll pay for it etc.' So I was all for it. So the nurse goes to give me the shot, and starts telling me how much it is going to hurt! I tell her I can handle the pain, I'll be fine, so she puts the needle in and is like 'the worst thing you could do is pull your arm back!!!' so i sit there fine. Thehe, than she tells me I handled it really well. So i get up and show her my tattoo that took 6 1/2 hours to complete....she than understood that the shot was really nothing to me :)

I'm not quite sure how I feel about you right now.
I'll just let that sit with me, I'm not confused and i'm not going to think about it
because it'll come to me eventually, but i'm not going to go out looking for the answer because than it'll be forced.
And well that's just not cool.

Don't ever get mad at me for not telling you anything, When I try to call you, text you, and leave you myspace messages every week. Don't be mad if You are not the first to know, if you won't stay in touch.
Don't get mad that I won't tell you anything when you are not talking to
What the fuck am I suppsto to do, because either way is the wrong way.

I got rejected without being rejected...it was actually all in my head
I was confident until I brought myself down
It's all in my head I say,
Why do I do this to myself?
Is it just because i'm getting attached? because my heart and my head say I shouldn't. It's the situation. Maybe I shouldn't go over tonight.
Oh but maybe, Maybe i'll get accidently rejected and I won't have to anyway.
Yes.
Life is one big maybe, and baby I'm not sure if I like it, or if I don't.
It's better than one big negative
but really i'd like to have one big positive.

I think I have the same insecurities and problems everyone else has
I just hide them better!

anyways It was a freaking fun weekend. More fun than I've had in a long time!

1- Would you rather have a fun fling or a lasting relationship?
Right now a fun fling - no lasting relationships right now. I just think i'm too young for that

2- What was your longest relationship?
1yearish


3-What is your favorite personality trait?
Caring, Funny but knows when to be serious



4- What is the most romantic thing a significant other could do?
Remember something it doesn't have to be extremly important 



5- When you are dating someone, what is the most important thing to you?
fun,honesty



6- Do you like pet names (ex: baby, sweetheart...)?
as long as they don't go overboard

7- What is your ideal night out with a significant other?
out with friends, doing something goofy and fun. like bowling



8- What is your ideal night in with a significant other?
Cuddling on the couch of their apartment watching movie after movie until we fall asleep. Than we wake each other up and stumble to bed and cuddle all night long




9- Would you be able to tell someone you love them, even if you didn't feel it?
I'm sure I could but i'm sure the person would be able to tell


10- Do you like relationships that invovle serious commitments?
I don't know


11- If you ever got engaged, how would you want it to happen?
FOr it to be a surprise from someone I really love


12- If you were engaged, would you want a wedding as soon as
possible?
I Don't know. A random wedding could be lots of fun. Vegas Baby!



13- Do you like to talk about the future when in a serious relationship?
Lol no. We never talking about the future



14- Do you prefer a sensitive open relationship or a strong silent type?
A mixture of both. All of one trait can spell trouble



15- When in a relationship do you have to have contact with your partner on a daily basis?
no.




16- Do you like public displays of affection?
They are okay I guess

17- Is there anything you won't tolerate while in a relationship?
lying, abuse


18- What is one thing that you value most in a relationship?
fun, honesty,trying new things



19- Would you ever be able to handle a long-distance situation?
not sure



20- Do you believe in moving in together before engagement or marriage?
heck yeah



21- What is your favorite thing about the opposite sex?
how they smell
The Opposite Sex

General

Body or Face
Face.




Looks or Personality
personality, as long as they are okay looking



Height
at least a little taller than me



Weight
as long as they weigh more than me!




Hair Color
I really like light colored hair, but I don't judge on hair color alone


Eye Color
I really love blue or green eyes but once again I don't judge on eye color


Most Important Physical Feature
not sure



Good/Bad Traits



funny
good but to a point

Loud
okay as long as it's not all the time


Seductive
very good


Quiet
can get boring



Tall
Good.


Short
not your fault..but not really my style


Athletic
it doesn't matter


Fat
I don't mind as long as they carry it well. I'd choose fat over skinnny
.


Immature
as long as it's not all the time


Competitive
good to a point



Hyper
Sometimes good.




Smoker
as long as it's not chainsmoking ten packs a day



drinker
i'd perfer a at least occasional drinker.When i date someone who doesn't drink they try to make me stop!


Smart
Good

Dumb
not so good 


Observant
Good.

it's not attractive when you constantly complain/talk about/try to impress woman.
It's actually kind of a turn off. I've noticed it alot latley from guys everywhere.

So my Advisor at school and I had a long chat the other day. She noticed that I tend to hold things in, alot. She also noticed that people take advantage of my kindness often. We had a chat about how this can affect the mind and body.
So i'm done taking people's shit. I'm not sorry if anyone is pissed off at me, or if anyone doesn't like my 'attitude' change. I'm not going to let myself be taken advantage of. I am a strong person and honestly I have to look out for myself.

In other news, My tattoo got finished. I've got to wait for the shop to send me pictures since my camera is in Illinois since there was an underwarranty repair that needed to be done. This session was only a couple hours long and wasn't bad at all. I did end up hanging out at the shop for a while though because they wouldn't ring me out :P silly people.

I managed to avoid being the topic of rumors in high school....and now there are rumors about me?
I'm not sure if they are good or bad [is there such thing as a good rumor?]. I talked to an old friend who heard something and well he wouldn't give me the information. I didn't really want to ask too much because last time him and I talked we weren't on good terms [he was trying to force me into being his girlfriend....not a good idea]. So instead I emailed the person who the other half of the rumor was about to see if he maybe said something while drunk and it turned into something else. I also stated in the message that I wasn't mad and maybe he never said anything..but if he did i'd rather hear it from the source wether it be good/bad/nothing at all.

ffffuuuuccck maturity

The bar was alot of fun friday night! Alot more fun than I thought. I couldn't drink because i had to work at 8am so I was worried that it wouldn't be fun. We celebrated M's birthday, the guy who I posted about decided not to go because he was feeling sick again. This ended up being a good thing because I met a nice dude who came with some other friends who was trying to dig up the dirt on me...LOL well W went to introduce us to each other and I was just like we already met. So he turned to the guy and was like why are you asking about her than? So I was joking that he was trying to dig up the dirt on me....so he looked at me and said he didn't want the dirt he wanted to know the good things about me.
I stayed until about 11:30 so I could be home around midnight...than I got some random phone calls that pissed me off because it was the..i'm only going to call you when i'm drunk phone calls. Than he was like lets hang out tomorrow i'll call you. And i wasn't expecting a call so i was not let down when it never came.

So a guy friend of mine has been trying to get close to me.
I'd say too close for comfort. But I did say in the last post that I wanted a boyfriend bullshit. Truth be told? i'm terrible at commitment. No i've never cheated on anyone ever- I just don't commit usually.
So he's hanging out with a couple of us tonight- if he tries anything than he's in trouble. I just don't want things to be as serious as he is. Because that's not cool.